You know those tags attached to appliances that warn against shock, ingestion, or absorption? Some tags even say external use only. Yeah, you know the ones. They make those tags for really stupid people without a shred of common sense- like me.
It so happened that I moved into a new house with my family a few weeks ago and I fell in love with the bathroom. Somehow in the middle of a 1940s style cottage, someone installed a luxury bathroom. The bathroom was almost the same size as the smallest bedroom. The sink was very minimalist but sported a dark brown base and a matching mirror. You can tell that they were trying to be fancy because they even installed fancy spotlights to highlight the sink. No, not cheap salon lights. They were honest-to-God spot lights positioned to highlight the basin. The deluxe energy saver toilet was right across from the sink and there was a wall-length mirror to the left. So when you sat down to do your business you were assaulted by two things: the decorative sink which had an unearthly halo from the spotlights and your full pants-down profile from the side.
It sounds morbid, but I have to admit I was impressed. There was a lock on the door, after all. However the best part of the bathroom was the tub. It was huge. This was the first time I had ever seen a real soaking tub. Unfortunately, I had school so there was no time to try it out. Instead I started the water to warm it up for a shower and began to undress. I was pretty impressed at how fast the water heated up as well. What can I say, I was a simple girl.
That’s when things started to go wrong. First, when I turned on the spray, I noticed that it was tilted too far but I didn’t think it would be a problem. So one step inside and one spray in the face later I was assured that the shower head was indeed tilted too high. It wouldn’t be easy to fix. The shower head was seated so high up the wall.
Now… a smart person would have turned off the water and looked for a stool to stand on but I think we’ve established already that I am not smart at all. So with the water still on, I climbed on the edge of the tub to adjust the stream. I figured that leaving the water on would allow me to see how far exactly I needed to lower it. That’s when I slipped. I couldn’t even have the grace to slip into the tub. Oh no. I slipped backwards and cracked my head on the toilet.
I couldn’t move. I could hear my parents in the living room arguing over the TV remote and I tried to yell but nothing would come out. My lips wouldn’t even move. A haze started to form around the edge of my vision and I slowly lost my ability to hear. As everything faded, I imagined what people would see when they found me. A sprawled naked girl with dishwater blonde hair and the beginnings of a muffin top. Not ugly, but not too pretty either thanks to the round face given to me by my dad’s side of the family. My legs weren’t even shaved. I hoped my mom would cover me up.
When I woke up, it was slow. I didn’t notice the lapse in time so it felt like all the energy I exerted earlier to yell and keep my eyes open finally paid off. Unfortunately, all that came out was a low moan.